...not much time needed to understand Air. Libra. Scales. Balance. Air. Air. Inherently Air.
Finished Mercurius. Read it again. Trying Atlanta Fugiens. That will take a few years.
Got Goethe anthology ordered weeks ago. Studying again. By myself. Rethinking Jung's individuation process overlay onto alchemy. Gold is more than that. I think...what is Gold?
Overthink. Over analyze. Over reason. Missing Water...water keeps mind quiet.
Lots of study notes. At some point there must be an Air section on the site.
Too many study notes. Getting lost in seeking clarity in a non logical process. Reading not living.
Not ready for major shoot, but playing with ink again. Only thing that keeps mind quiet. Need to keep mind quiet. High tendency to get lost in my own head for years.
Too much mind, Wrong has been on repeat for 2 weeks. Looking at any moment with one element out of balance, you don't see the whole. Reflecting. Going through old notes. All Wrong.
"There's something wrong with me chemically, something wrong with me inherently. The wrong mix in the wrong genes, I reached
the wrong ends by the wrong means."
All clarity is now just a veil of confusion. I don't know what it is. But its wrong. Pointless. Another mountain to climb. So tired of climbing. Only to see more climbing. No point in going on.
Sounds familiar.
All wrong. whatever gold is..this is not it or even the route to it.
Can feel a flood wanting to burst forth, but no, not Water now, not drowning now. For a split second you have a choice.
Too much Air, need to shut my mind up. How do you quiet mind?
can't fucken' sit and throw ink on my face all day. Need to eat. But can't focus, nothing is clear.
Why is it all wrong? Help me. Everything is just another glorious lesson. Fuck it.
Not good with Earth. It is probably why it was placed last on the list.
Earth comes, asking so many questions, will lead to more questions.
Art. Hilarious.
Someone is very ill. Not the kind of ill that people can heal from easily.
Thump. Crash. Hit ground.
Earth is not a space for dreaming. Struggles when not able to dream. I fight hardest against alchemising Earth.
Too many hard things. From which there is no escape in mind.
No emergency exits. Be here. Only here.
How to quiet mind? Thump. Crash. Feel your bones breaking on the hardness as you hit the ground...mind will be quiet.
Hating Earth. Kicking things. Earth shows you change. I hate change. Hate not very useful, I will not move past here until I understand why I hate it so much.
Cannot climb, cannot take this hate into the abyss. I will never come back and if I do, I will destroy it all.
Not with Fire, not with Water, I would destroy it by not giving a damn about anything at all. Void.
Of anything at all.
I hate that thought more.
Ask what gold is.
Now someone is very ill.
Its all bullshit. Earth is hard. Earth shows you real things. I don't like real things.
I like the potential of Air. In Air, everything is possible. I can dream.
In Earth. Deal with this now. Be here. And the Wheel will turn again. Still struggling. Still fighting.
Missing Fire. Missing Water. Missing Air. Missing anything that takes me from Earth. Want to get on a plane and go anywhere
but here.
Deal with it. Be here now. Keep fighting, keep pushing, keep denying the feeling in your bones and I suspect I will stay here forever.
Walking a lot. There has to be some redeeming quality here. Like Cinnabons. And flowers. And tree's. Still hating the rest.
Dealing. Change scares me. Thats the source of the hating. I hate you because you scare me.
I cannot control you. The only way to be here is to trust Earth.
Trust The Wheel. Trust the change. Trust the process.
Yes it turns. But it is holding you. I have always had what I have always needed. Maybe Earth doesn't hate me. Maybe I don't hate Earth. Walk more. Look at more tree's.
Found center.
You had forgotten Mercury.
The edge of Earth forgot Air which forgot Earth.
It doesn't work if they're all separate. There are 2 Mercury's.
Mercury doubled, that is Mercurius.
Everything in the right proportions in the right vessel.
Not just left and right, but up and down too.
Mercurius.
Stop externalising the elements. They are inside.
They are all inside.
Its all rather simple when you are writing from the future.
The center of Earth and Air is the same as the center of Fire and Water.
And it shows you gold.
MissRevolution 3 April 2009 11:11pm
